Archive for the 'Sports jokes' Category

Religious battle golf

Sunday, January 29th, 2006

The Pope met with the College of Cardinals to discuss a proposal from Shimon Peres, the former leader of Israel. “Your holiness,” said one of the Cardinals, “Mr. Peres wants to determine whether Jews or Catholics are superior, by challenging you to a golf match.” The Pope was greatly disturbed, as he had never held a golf club in his life.

“Not to worry,” said the Cardinal, “we’ll call America and talk to Jack Nicklaus. We’ll make him a Cardinal, he can play Shimon Peres… We can’t lose!” Everyone agreed it was a good idea. The call was made and, of course, Jack was honored and agreed to play.

The day after the match, Nicklaus reported to the Vatican to inform the Pope of his success in the match. “I came in second, your Holiness,” said Nicklaus.

“Second?!!” exclaimed the surprised Pope. “You came in second to Shimon Peres?!!”

“No,” said Nicklaus, “second to Rabbi Woods.”

Holy Golf

Wednesday, January 18th, 2006
A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. “I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it.
“When did you use this awful language? asks the elder.
“Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like
it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards.
“Is that when you swore?
“No, Mother, says the nun. “After that, a squirrel ran out of
the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away.
“Is THAT when you swore? asks the Mother Superior again.
“Well, no. says the nun. “You see, as the squirrel was running,
an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!
“Is THAT when you swore? asks the amazed elder nun.
“No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its
claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball.
“Did you swear THEN? asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.
“No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand
trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole.
The two nuns were silent for a moment.
Then Mother Superior sighed and said, 

“You missed the fu#king putt, didn’t you?