A completely inebriated man was stumbling down the street with one foot on the curb and one foot in the gutter. A cop pulled up and said, “I’ve got to take you in, pal. You’re obviously drunk.”
Our wasted friend asked, “Officer, are ya absolutely sure I’m drunk?”
“Yeah, buddy, I’m sure,” said the copper. “Let’s go.”
Breathing a sigh of relief, the wino said, “Thank goodness, I thought I was crippled.”
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.
Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, “Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I’ll buy you another drink. I just can’t stand to see a man cry.”
“No, it’s not that. This day is the worst of my life. First, I fall asleep, and I go late to my office. My boss, outrageous, fires me. When I leave the building, to my car, I found out it was stolen. The police said that they can do nothing. I get a cab to return home, and when I leave it, I remember I left my wallet and credit cards there. The cab driver just drives away.”
“I go home, and when I get there, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. I leave home, and come to this bar. And just when I was thinking about putting an end to my life, you show up and drink my poison.”
“Harriet, she’s a prostitute.”
“I don’t believe you. That sweet young thing?”
“Let’s go up to our room and I’ll prove it.”
In their room, George called down to the desk and asked for ‘Bambi’ to come to room 1217. “Now,” he said, “you hide in the bathroom with the door open just enough to hear us, OK?” Soon, there was a knock on the door. George opened it and Bambi walked in, swirling her hips provocatively. George asked, “How much do you charge?” “$125 basic rate, $100 tips for special services.” Even George was taken aback. “$125! I was thinking more in the range of $25.” Bambi laughed derisively. “You must really be a hick if you think you can buy sex for that price.”
“Well,” said George, “I guess we can’t do business. Goodbye.” After she left, Harriet came out of the bathroom. She said, “I just can’t believe it!” George said, “Let’s forget it. We’ll go have a drink, then eat
dinner.” At the bar, as they sipped their cocktails, Bambi came up behind George, pointed slyly at Harriet, and said, “See what you get for $25?”
A guy goes into a bar, orders twelve shots and starts drinking them as fast as he can.
The bartender says, “Dang, why are you drinking so fast?”
The guy says, “You would be drinking fast if you had what I had.”
The bartender says, “What do you have?”
The guy says, “75 cents.”
A man walks into a pub with a neck brace around his neck. He asks for a pint. The bartender gives him one.
Then the man asks, “Who’s in the lounge?”
The bartender replies. “15 people playing darts.”
The man says, “Get them a pint too.”
Then he asks, “Who’s upstairs?”
The bartender replies, “150 people at the disco.”
The man says, “Get them a drink too.”
The bartender says, “That will be $328 please.”
The man says, “Sorry but I haven’t got that much money on me.”
The bartender says, “If you were at the pub a mile from here, they would of broke your neck.”
The man says, “I’ve all ready been there.”
The bartender replies, “Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar.”
The man asks, “What are the tasks?”
“First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.
Then, well, there’s a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.
Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play.” said the bartender.
“Damn.” says the man.
Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, “I’m in.”
He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he’s out cold.
The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back.
All you hear is the dog howling.
Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, “Now where’s that lady with the blunt tooth.”
The bartender replies, “Every night we have a contest that you have to complete three tasks to win all the money in the jar.”
The man asks, “What are the tasks?”
“First, you have to go over to Jimmy the bouncer and knock him out with one hit.
Then, well, there’s a pitbull out back and you have to pull its blunt tooth out.
Finally, the bosses wife is up stairs and you have to go pleasure her, but you have to put down ten dollars to play.” said the bartender.
“Damn.” says the man.
Later that night, after several drinks, the man smacks down a ten dollar bill and says, “I’m in.”
He walks over to the bouncer and swings. One hit he’s out cold.
The man falls flat on his face also, but gets up and walks out back.
All you hear is the dog howling.
Then the man steps back in, goes over to the bartender and asks, “Now where’s that lady with the blunt tooth.”
Two friends were in a bar drinking a beer when one pulled out a cigar but he didn’t have a lighter so he asked his friend if he had one..
“I sure do,” he replied and reached into his pocket and pulled out a 10 inch Bic lighter.
“Wow!” said his friend, “where did you get that monster.”
“I got it from my genie.”
“You have a genie?” he asked.
“Yes, he’s right here in my pocket.”
“Could I see him?”
He reaches into his pocket and pulls out a very small genie.
The friend says, “I’m a good friend of your master. Will you grant me one wish?”
“Yes I will,” the genie said so he asks him for a million bucks and the genie hops back into his master’s pocket and leaves the man standing there waiting for his million bucks.
About this time, a duck walks into the bar followed by another. Then more ducks come pouring in. Before long the entire bar has ducks everywhere.
The friend tells his buddy, “What is going on here, I asked for a million bucks not ducks!”
He answers, “I forgot to tell you the genie is hard of hearing. Do you really think I asked him for a 10 inch Bic?”