Funny Jokes

A lorry driver breaks down in Manhattan with a cargo of 20 live monkeys on board, bound for the Bronx Zoo. They need to be delivered by 9:00 am and the driver fears he will lose his job if they don’t get there on time. He decides to try and hitch a lift for his monkeys and eventually a French trucker pulls over.

“Where they going ?” asks the Frenchman.
“Do me a favour and take these to the Bronx Zoo for me” says the driver, “and here’s a hundred bucks for your troubles.”
“Happy days,” says the Frenchman, “No problem”. And loads the monkeys onto his truck and gets on his way.
The lorry driver goes about trying to fix his truck and is there for a good few hours when, suddenly, he notices the French trucker coming back towards him on the other side of the road, still with all the chimps on board. Panicking, he flags him down again.

“What are you playing at,” he fumes, “I told you to take them to the Bronx Zoo!”
“I did,” says the Frenchman, “but we enjoyed ourselves so much, and there is still fifty bucks left, so now we’re going to Central Park.”

A fire fighter is working on the engine outside the station when he notices a little girl next door in a little red wagon with little ladders hanging off the sides and a garden hose tightly coiled in the middle.

The girl is wearing a fire fighter’s helmet. The wagon is being pulled by her dog and her cat. The fire fighter walked over to take a closer look.

“That sure is a nice fire truck,” the fire fighter says with admiration.

“Thanks” the girl says… The fire-fighter looks a little closer and notices the girl has tied the wagon to her dog’s collar and to the cat’s testicles.

“Little Partner”, the fire fighter says, “I don’t want to tell you how to run your rig, but if you were to tie that rope around the cat’s collar too, I think you could go faster.”

The little girl replies thoughtfully, “You’re probably right, but then I wouldn’t have a siren….

A burglar has just made it into the house he’s intending ransacking, and he’s looking around for stuff to steal. All of a sudden, a little voice pipes up, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

Startled, the burglar looks around the room. No one there at all, so he goes back to his business.

“I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

The burglar jumps again, and takes a longer look around the room. Over in the corner by the window, almost obscured by curtains, is a cage in which sits a parrot, who pipes up again, “I can see you, and so can Jesus!”

“So what,” says the burglar, “you’re only a parrot!”

To which the parrot replies, “Maybe, but Jesus is a rottweiler!”

Some race horses staying in a stable. One of them starts to boast about his track record. “In the last 15 races, I’ve won 8 of them!”

Another horse breaks in, “Well in the last 27 races, I’ve won 19!!”

“Oh that’s good, but in the last 36 races, I’ve won 28!”, says another, flicking his tail.

At this point, they notice that a greyhound dog has been sitting there listening. “I don’t mean to boast,” says the greyhound, “but in my last 90 races, I’ve won 88 of them!”

The horses are clearly amazed. “Wow!” says one, after a hushed silence. “A talking dog.”

There was this little polar bear and he went into his igloo and said “mum, am i a grizzly bear or brown bear?” “no your not” she replied “ur 100% polar bear” a little later he comes back in and says” mum am i mountain bear or a black bear” “i’ve told u once, no ur a polar bear, now go and play outside”. 5 minuets later he comes back and says ” mum r u sure that i’m not a koalar bear” “NO!! ur a polar bear, why do u keep askin?” he says “cos i’m fucking freezing” !!