Wanting a portrait with which to surprise his wife, a businessman asked a blonde female painter he’d been recommended to paint him in the nude.
“No,” the talented blonde artist said. “I don”t do that sort of thing.”
“But what if I double your fee?” he pleaded.
“Nope, sorry. Won’t do it.”
“How about I give you five times what you normally get?”
“Oh, okay then,” said the artist, “but I’m keeping my socks on. I need a place to put my brushes.”
One cold Winter day, a blonde decides she wants to take up ice fishing. When she gets to the pond, she begins to cut a hole in the ice. As she does, she hears a voice. “There’s no fish there…”.
Puzzled, the blonde picks up her stuff and cuts another hole a few feet away. Again, she hears the voice. “There’s no fish there…”
The blonde is confused, but still determined. About 10 feet away, she begins to cut another ice hole. “There’s no fish there…”, she hears.
She immediately turns her head to the sky and says, “Is that you, God?”
“NO! IT’S THE MANAGER OF THE ICE-SKATING RINK! THERE’S NO FISH THERE!
1. The water proof towel
2. Solar powered flash light
3. Sumberrine screen door
4. A book on how to read
5. Inflatable dart board
6. A dictionary index
7. Ejector seat in a helicopter
8. Powdered water
9. Pedel powered wheel chair
10. Water proof tea bags
A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch.
“I couldn’t help noticing how happy you look,” she said. “What’s your
secret for a long happy life?”
“I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day,” he said. “I also drink a case
of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise.”
“That’s amazing,” the woman said. “How old are you?’
“Twenty-six.”
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antique store and saw a beautiful old mirror.
The lady working at the store said, “This is a magic mirror. You must say something true. And if it’s true, your wish will come true. If it’s not true, you will disappear.”The blonde, red head, and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them. First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the most beautiful girl in the world.” Poof, she vanished. Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, “I think I’m the smartest girl in the world.” Poof, she disappeared. Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, “I think … ” Then Poof, she disappeared.
An airline captain was breaking in a new blonde stewardess. The route they were flying had a layover in another city.
Upon their arrival, the captain showed the stewardess the best place for airline personnel to eat, shop and stay overnight.The next morning, as the pilot was preparing the crew for the day’s route, he noticed the new stewardess was missing. He knew which room she was in at the hotel and called her up wondering what happened.
She answered the phone, crying, and said she couldn’t get out of her room. “You can’t get out of your room?” the captain asked, “Why not?” The stewardess replied: “There are only three doors in here,” she sobbed, “one is the bathroom, one is the closet, and one has a sign on it that says ‘Do Not Disturb’!”
A blonde tried to sell her old car. She was having a lot of problems selling it, because the car had 250,000 miles on it.One day, she told her problem to a brunette she worked with at a salon. The brunette told her, “There is a possibility to make the car easier to sell, but it’s not legal.”
That doesn’t matter,” replied the blonde, “if I only can sell the car.”
“Okay,” said the brunette. “Here is the address of a friend of mine. He owns a car repair shop. Tell him I sent you and he will turn the counter in your car back to 50,000 miles. Then it should not be a problem to sell your car anymore.”
The following weekend, the blonde made the trip to the mechanic. About one month after that, the brunette asked the blonde, “Did you sell your car?”
“No,” replied the blonde, “why should I? It only has 50,000 miles on it.”
An artist asked the gallery owner if there had been any interest in her paintings that were on display.
“Well, I have good news and bad news,” the owner responded. “The good news is that a gentleman noticed your work and wondered if it would appreciate in value after your death. I told him it would and he bought all 10 of your paintings.”
“That’s wonderful,” the artist exclaimed. “What’s the bad news?”
“The gentleman was your doctor.”
An elderly couple go to their doctor for a checkup. The man goes in first. “How’re you doing?” asks the doctor.
“Pretty good,” answers the old man. “I’m eating well, and I’m still in control of my bowels and bladder. In fact, when I get up at night to pee, the good Lord turns the light on for me.”
The doctor decides not to comment on that last statement, and goes into the next room to check on the man’s wife.
“How’re you feeling?” he asks.
“I’m doing well,” answers the old woman. “I still have lots of energy and I’m not feeling any pain.”
The doctor says, “That’s nice. It sounds like you and your husband are both doing well. One thing though - your husband said that when he gets up to pee at night, the good Lord turns the light on for him. Do you have any idea what he means?”
“Oh No,” says the woman, “He’s peeing in the refrigerator again.”
A Lawyer runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a Sheriff’s Deputy. He thinks that he is smarter than the Deputy because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy’s expense………..
Deputy says, “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What for?”
Deputy says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign ”
Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Deputy says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Deputy says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, thats the law. License and registration, please!”
Lawyer says, “If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”
Deputy says, “Exit your vehicle, sir.”
At this point, the Deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the Lawyer and says: “DO YOU WANT ME TO STOP OR JUST SLOW DOWN?”